THE CALENDAR ON MY SHRINK’S WALL

So then let’s have a closer look at your horror pharmacy, Escher – let’s see it not through the visor of a space suit bulging deeper towards the back from the edges inward as if through the agency of speedfear as if cruising in a bubble of LSD terrorspit although apparently this is how you want it to be seen so oh, oh Ok

NO ONE SAYS I'M MACGUYVER

Unromantic muffin
the only evidence that they’d been here at all, the couple dating on the porch, are the crumbs

What the ocean thinks your ankles wading into it are up to
garnering licorice

The Swiss precision of a broken jewel
star screw protests

Godzilla torture
the sounds coming from the tree bark

Overestimate
Overstuffed

Cutting down
wallflowers had been the most impressive sight of my entire high school career 

Imprinted in my imagination and superimposed on my own ego and perception of self
might I be a dead ringer for MacGuyver?

Survives microwave oven
frog

So the cure for indecision out on the street in front of the movie house they say might be leeches
most influential magnetic hypnotic marquees

Simulating carpel tunnel
plastic dinosaur bones arranged on the Persian rug

Laser opens your stinkpores
“For at this beauty parlor our punishment for metrosexuals is to put them on beanbags with a tiny leak in the side popping tiny styrofoam pellets at an excruciatingly slow rate gradually spilling across the floor in what these, our loathsome clients believe to be a manifestation of their own creeping grandmothers”

Manic-depressive
the juice or syrup hardest to shake out of a blender

Hecklers
use egg timers to plan, prioritize, and coordinate

Birdbath marathon
on dating sites make sure your profile includes the phrase: “In the morning you will wake up and find a wet rag on the bedroom floor and will pick it up and will discover that this is me ‘grumpy in the morning!’.”

Obscure unrated book on Amazon about tying garter belts into knots
Tangled up in the sweet compassionate gaze of the old steel mill’s septuagenarian Chinese owner

THE STRANGE INSECURITIES SUFFERED BY TERMINATORS

throat burning trying to communicate with the electronic dragonfly on the office wall:
‘So you wish to be a Freudian pin-up model, eh?’

doesn’t come out nearly as scalding and scornful and scary as intended –
the gray sooty prophecy coughed up an hour ago by my lunch box – it had been far more succinct

yet by now its transistor is going positively berserk

if Cyberdyne Systems Corporation has proven one thing, it’s that an avocado in a turtleneck sweater looks incredibly corporate

‘Ready for an unintentionally funny apocalypse today?’
last year it was the Pokemon leather collar that was derigeur among die-hard executives

‘We’re drowning now, Mike’
‘Yeah it’s one big gill multi-faint...’

turning from the watercooler there’s the sense you’ve just finished meeting with a mutant
which technically you have –

dismal talks about Minecraft sobriety – Minecraft withdrawal – Minecraft goosebumps – these talks weigh heavy on the chest
plus other privations just to get a buzz going

crossing the street with Betty White’s makeup-caked corpse ain’t as easy as it sounds
you’re bound to find yourself shouting: ‘Look where you’re going, assholes!’ amid the ensuing unrest
her transmitter topless her transmitter drawing more onlookers the sky above through her trench coat sunroof turning red and black her robot helper insisting always on its signature misfit decal when appearing in public

and when not formally in commission, you know what the little bastard does?
‘Betty White’s corpse’s robot helper believes he’s an old vintage leather suitcase party-crashing a rack of expensive suits – in keeping with its misfit image – makes a veritable science of its anxieties 

serious commitment like that which springs from the glowing cauldron of diodic insecurity would intoxicate and bewitch anyone
in there somewhere is written humankind’s fate

the latest addition to our boss’s tourette’s is his breathtaking handling of Chicken McNuggets –
‘Mike, what with the soft brown globulous jugglings in there, it can get pretty crowded in that office.’

MAGNETO'S ONION

one 2 consuming the next 2
equals 5 cow stomachs
1 in 5 vegan tennis clubs
boasts 1 exposed sinew
on grass surfaces
prawn piezoelectrics
rock socks inside-out
road rage of
clockwork protoplasm
the interior of 1 in 5
bars of Lux soap;
on every third tier
Magneto’s onion sports
1 really cool lonely-
heart maquette

!

snowman’s penis as
boa woven into smoothie
the sex lives of insects
confounded by 1
dapper raptor
Smaug rhapsodizing
about slow decay
essential snow
plow exhibition!
groovy! groovy!! groovy!!!
2 lullaby receptacles
pink or blue or green
worth 1/4 tortilla
cyber hug

!

need a prejudice
to feel good
inside my jersey
I’m staying home
I’m feeling good
I only just noticed
hidden message
in traffic:
‘non-friendly
Asian’

!

1 pulp ziggurat
makeup chair
zaps your
stutter

french fry
machine blend
electric chair

!

8 flea eating
insane commercials
more acceptable than
2 whole Telefunken
TV dinners

THAT PART OF YOU AFTER BLOTTING IT OUT

Manga inspired 80s business suit, which paralyzes when worn by someone other than a fast, arrogant rabbit
Obviously the iris looks more natural in watercolor
Its reprehensible taste for frying tortoise marshmallows over a prim, neat, picture-perfect campfire
The loser of the race stands tall on a tomato crate announcing in the mic that this is Neo Embarrassment, yeah – like a brand, like it’s a new movement, and obviously choking back a sob blurts wetly in the mic that it’s been genuinely worth waiting for
Amputee dusting periodic table removes important element with the duster held by the missing hand, sees himself inadvertently reconstructing his own chemical makeup’s amazing labyrinth and messing up all the sexy nuances in his moleskin day planner
What the world was like after its long exposure to the fantasy
Basically the world was an eon-long suspension of an awkward high-heeled teeter
A wedge of Ford Focus borne on the wind, very small and specific but at the same time breathtakingly ubiquitous
That part of you after blotting it out NEEDS you
And so but now what are we going to do about your obvious appreciation for the abominable?
An ambush by the Nestle demon will help immensely
What about our forces west of the Nile?
In short?
Fuck ’em
Speaking of: Will you accept Vikings in your tavern if they’re a little more pushy than your usual customers?

THE DAY THE EARTH COULD TIE ITS OWN SHOELACES

Groundhog shoe, your knack for submerging the contagion

your vigilantism – with the strange hair

Don’t tell me the ground beneath your feet can tie its laces as fast as you can,

with webbed fingers; an entire city’s boardgame

Of Roman plumbing glistening

in droopy bottom lip

  

Tattooed blue epithelial Donkey Kong

wide filmy see-through diaphanous panic, flattened – don’t know where the shoe suddenly came from

Of cute homeless Algerian space debris put through fucking hell

the worst Weekend at Bernie’s ever

A corpse doesn't always get the opportunity to go to the grocery store

waiting for the hearse to pop out from behind a corner

the Savannah getting its curves underneath the zeppelin

to throw away your old face with an insouciant *flick* deserves a Facebook ‘like’

Disembodied fart made me do it

which is to say its humor is actually something one should buy tickets to witness

Souls the agnostic floss their teeth with

expression and an ear found in the driver of the Dark Star Taxi 

We sat through the whole goddamn ballet  

a failed pirouette is an ordinary crossing leg that somehow has gotten itself jammed in a milkcan - imagine sitting for two hours through this shit

In one capsule the thrill of alcohol rehabilitation

the act of making love to the neighbor’s veranda designed by a jackhammer   

There are humans in these interlocking vacancies

i.e. bartenders saving their strength with finely spaced delays stand there as if frozen gaze raptly at nothing

Bring me to where dad’s sperm cell and your egg met for the first time, mommy

‘honey, try to vividly picture a slow cooker – try to vividly picture yourself liking meeting it: ignore for now the Comic Sans Serif inscription on the side…’

I know every silly guideline in the Bible – I saw the exact same ones in the space shuttle operation manual, sitting in the chair, all strapped in, cock in hand…

A nosebleed is the most important part of a clown

HOW MY COUSIN SURVIVED

Beautiful fake seashells it is not really creepy for Wolverine to have as nails. Didn’t he also moonlight as a pimp? And didn’t his blades turn, werewolf-style, into a vast unwieldy collection of cheap drugstore tissues he was nevertheless proud of?  

I asked my cousin nicely if he also had this weird way of surviving. No, he blurted. He was a terrible conversationalist. But he was also a diabetic – in fact he was known as The Orange Diabetic, because he was orange, and sort of pasty, and he loved looking at himself in the bathroom mirror, which was how he survived; a part of his face was cleverly abridged, canceled out, like a rectangular strip of wallpaper carefully torn off the wall, gone, missing, colorlessly fasered – this part now lives in your aquarium and turns a scary shocking blue whenever an inquisitive goldfish swims by too closely or inquisitively.

THAT’S how my cousin survived.