The world’s first and only overrated maverick. There are many mavericks but they all live up to their reputations. All of them are rated exactly right. Not this one. Nor does the prison he’s housed in live up to its reputation as a badass dungeon-esque hellhole with merciless blue and black concrete walls glazed in strains of ridiculous fungi: his new lodgings is an 8-bit jail. And he quite likes these lodgings. The only thing he hates and finds himself infuriated by is the TV, which also shows everything in 8-bit. All it features is Chicago’s famous parrot folklorist, again and again – that’s right, cheap Chicago’s bankruptcy will be ignited by the cheep and squawk of this arrogant bird making up Grimm tales as it sits loftily and tauntingly on its perch, setting bookmarks on fire on each page of our lexicon and completely rewriting the way we tell campfire stories. ‘I will kill you, you stupid bird.’ Then the maverick lapses into horrible spells of crying, again and again. Proving him – once and for all – overrated.
PLEASE STATE: WHAT ABOUT YOUR TIME IN PRISON DID YOU NOT LIKE. APART FROM THE TELEVISION.
‘The marching band was too tame. The Drive-Thru represented a form of punishment. Seriously, this is scientific evidence for the fact that there is no more pleasure to be had. The pleasure and value deficit: it has to be seen to be believed.
‘I’m glad to be going home to my wife and kids.’